


The [N]ut

by Kiloueka



Category: NieR: Automata (Video Game), Planters "Mr. Peanut" Commercials
Genre: Child Murder, Gen, Peanuts - Freeform, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:40:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22541878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiloueka/pseuds/Kiloueka
Summary: A2 single-handedly destroys capitalism
Comments: 27
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

After over an hour of grueling battle after battle in the hot and humid Forest Kingdom, 2B and 9S finally arrived in an enormous room in the highest part of the castle. 

9S grumbled and brushed some dirt and cobwebs from his clothes as they looked around the area. It was completely barren and silent; it seemed they had destroyed all the machines on the way up. But that made no sense. If this were the throne room that they heard the machines screaming about, then why were there no guards? Was it a trap? Or had they decided to abandon their king. Did they realize that monarchy was a pointless, corrupt system created only to benefit those at the top?

Suddenly a sound came from the far end of the room. The two androids saw what looked like a cradle made of rusted metal by the window. It moved slightly and suddenly white gloves reached out and started waving in the air. 

Something was wrong. It didn’t give off any indication it was a machine _or_ an android. Then what the hell was it?

“Stay behind me,” 2B hissed lowly and cautiously approached the cradle. As they neared it they began to see flashes of yellow as the creature inside moved around. 2B drew her sword, 9S readied his hacking.

They walked up the stairs and peered inside.

“What the--?” they both said in unison.

Laying in the cradle was… a giant…yellow...peanut? With great bulbous eyes? And a mouth like the void? And arms? And a tophat nearly as big as itself? 

It looked at the androids with its blank eyes and waved its large, gloved yaoi hands at them. Its mouth curled into a sinister smile and it started emitting unsettling noises that sounded like an unholy mix of baby coos and cracking wood. 

“Is this… their king..?” 9S asked nervously. He recoiled slightly as the strong scent of peanuts and expired copyrights hit him head-on. 2B looked equally disturbed; she gripped her sword so tight 9S could see her arm tremble.

“This thing’s weird, let’s kill--” 9S’ words were cut off as they caught sight of something descending from above in a flash. The two of them jumped back and slid across the floor just as a mysterious figure landed on the cradle and pierced her sword through the center of the peanut. She landed so hard that a shockwave reverberated out and spread the stench of nuts across the room. 

The feral-looking woman straightened up and held her sword high with the peanut still impaled through the middle. It flailed around and emitted terrifying dying sounds for a moment longer before going still. She whipped her sword behind her, flinging the creature off into the bushes, leaving a trail of peanut oil in its wake.

“2B! That’s…an android! A YoRHa-type android!” 9S exclaimed, crinkling his nose at the stench.

“Alert!” Pod 153 called out. “This unit is currently wanted by YoRHa. Annihilation is recommended.”

“Annihilation? But why?” Was Command allied with the creature?

“Let’s go 9S,” 2B said with much hesitation.

“2B! Didn’t you see what she just did?”

2B flinched and looked down, her hands curled into fists and shook with restraint.

They stared at each other in tense silence. A2’s sword still dripped with oil. Could they really kill her?

Suddenly their pods rang and a video of Commander White appeared on their holo-screen.

“Bunker to 2B and 9S. We’ve picked up a signal from the Black Box of the fugitive known as A2.” She paused and looked in A2’s direction, her expression unreadable. 

“What you see in front of you, is your enemy.”

2B flinched.

“Enemy?” 9S began. “But--”

“Now kill her before she kills you.”

“What the hell? No way, didn’t you see what she just did? She single-handedly destroyed capitalism!” 9S grabbed his pod and walked fearlessly past A2 and pointed its camera in the direction of the dead nut. Insects had already begun swarming around the puncture.

White gasped and went silent. 9S looked back at A2 briefly who continued to stand in the same place and switch her gaze between 2B and 9S every few seconds. He turned his attention back to White who seemed to be thinking deeply about something.

“Let her go,” White said quietly after another minute. All three of the androids jerked their heads back in surprise. 9S looked shocked. A2 looked confused. 2B looked relieved. 

“On two conditions though.” White’s voice hardened and she looked at A2. “One: you keep quiet about everything that happened in the past. Two: if you see any more of these little bastards around, _kill them_.”

“Ok,” A2 shrugged.

“You’re dismissed.” The holo screen faded from existence and 9S’ pod floated back to his side.

The three of them exchanged glances for a long moment before 9S forced a small cough.

“So uh...that thing...does it have organs or does it just like…have giant nuts in it?”

“ _9S,_ ” 2B hissed.

“What?!” 9S huffed. “I wanna know if we could eat it.”

2B sighed. “Let’s go.”


	2. Chapter 2




End file.
